This morning I went to mass with my family like we always do. Several things were weighing on my mind but things tipped to the boiling point when my family didn’t like where I chose to sit. Such a small thing right? But in my mind it was :
”No one wants to make a decision but then they complain when I do.”
So after sitting through the first reading, tears threatening, I left church. I left a check for the offering and walked out of the building.
I made my way to our vehicle and sat there for 45 minutes. I contemplated driving around or driving away (WAY AWAY!) but I couldn’t do it. So me and the vehicle sat together on the side of the street and watched life happen. There were a few tears, a few angry outbursts, and sadness. There was the awesome Catholic guilt I felt for not partaking in the Eucharist but I just couldn’t go back in. There were just too many emotions.
Someone in my life recently told me that the core issue of my problems was lack of self care. I bristled (and still am bristled). Seriously, all my problems are because I don’t take a bubble bath once in a while? Yeah, right.
I’m still dealing with that but she may have a point. How important is self care? How often do you do it? HOW do you do it? What activities do you carry out for “instant self love”?
Maybe that was my 45 minutes in the car. I certainly didn’t feel like I wanted to punch my family when they came out. There was exhaustion and sadness but less anger. Did I just do self care? By missing church!? That’s sacrilegious in my book (see: Catholic guilt). But I did feel better. The silence. The reflection. The uninterrupted tears.
Maybe that’s what God knew I needed this beautiful morning.